1 DAY, 1 SITUATION, 2 PEOPLE, 2 PARTS of the SAME STORY (PART 2)........

Welcome back to the journey.............

Editor's Note..........

Cancer has its own plans. Surely it has HAD its own plans with me. My intention was to post this blog---Part 2 of my previous blog---as close as I could to October 6th, as this day is the heart of my posting.

Monday was my LAST day of radiation and you would think I would be all shits and giggs about it. Nooooooo.........VERY far from it my friends. As to the days of the last week and this past weekend---those will be part of the "radiation finale" post and that post will have much more details of those last days. These days weren't fun physically, mentally and SURELY NOT emotionally. But the fog has lifted since then and it is easier to tell you now, that those days sapped the life out of me and even the easiest tasks---like typing were exhausting if not painful. Like my neck....it is an absolute TRAIN WRECK MESS and what you saw in the my last blog post photo.....that photo is laughable compared to the real deal that I see when I look in the mirror. As I said, more detail in the blog to follow but the one BIG thing I will say, is that this is first time I finally caught myself saying.........

......"this *&%$#@! SUCKS!!!

Turning towards Part 2 of this post.........I think back (and there was LOTS and LOTS of that since my last post) to my initial consult with my surgeon, Dr Weinstein. He was very blunt which as is his nature telling me that I had a ROUGH 2 1/2 months ahead of me. How right he was about the rough part, but I wish it was only 2 1/2 months compared to the 4 that it became. But what would have been more appropriate was if he looked both me and GRACE in the eyes and said....."BOTH of you are in for rough time ahead".

p.s.....A thank you to the wife of my dear friend Larry Fraser, Annemarie who made a comment about my Week 1 and 2 blog that created that spark to FINALLY wake up and smell the coffee...............

OCTOBER 6, 2010

PART TWO; The Personal Side....................The look for this day starts on October 6, 1990. That was our wedding day and October 6th of last week was our 20th wedding anniversary. This is not the way I had planned to spend our 20th anniversary. It was the 18th or the 16th, maybe it wouldn't eat at my insides as much. Someway, someday, somehow I got weak and I got sick. REAL sick. Stage IV cancer sick. Boy.......that that last one is sure hard to type and proofread. Very hard, but it WAS what it WAS.

For all my adult life, two of the WORST words in the English language to me are "lonely" and "burden". For 4 months now I've been pretty much a burden on my wife. No argument on that one. And as to being good company for her, you know, I know, she knows that is far from being the case. I know that she has felt lonely.

As to our 20th...........For heaven sake for such an important occasion, Grace deserves so, so, so much more. So mostly what I can give her right now......IS WORDS. And since I basically put myself naked out there for all of you to see in these blogs, (HOLD IT......that is emotionally and mentally naked folks, not physically naked. That scary thought would shut down this blog for good!) I told Grace that all I was gonna give her for the 20th was to concentrate on my recovery and take a rain check until 2011. These words to come, are something else that I want to give her.

So it is my blog and to make me and Grace feel better, let's take a paragraph or 2 to go down memory lane............

How did we get here is hard to believe........ 20 years? THAT READS AS........How in the world could Grace take me for 20 years? Hard to believe. Some of you were there on that day back in 1990. Lovely service at an old-time church, St. Anne's in beautiful ole Hoboken, NJ. What most of YOU remember (if you avoided complete alcohol blackout)........it was one helluva party! Everyone danced and danced...some geniuses tried to skip pizza bagels across the cocktail hour pool like they were stones on a pond........EVERYONE (I think excluding my dad) hitting the floor for "Shout"......the hotel needing to scurry to get more booze when we added an extra hour to the reception...........and of course how could we forget......"Ladies and Gentlemen, the new Mr and Mrs DeMATINEZ". For those of you that weren't there, the lead singer of the band introducing us got one of the worst brain cramps ever (it is actually visible on the video!) and DeDOMINICIS went to DeMatinez. As my twin brother Dennis so comedically and quickly interjected in his toast, telling Grace, "our name is easy to spell, there are no "T"s and "Z"s in it". I wish I could post a link from the wedding video with my brother doing the toast and that jughead singer in the background with the biggest goofball smile on his face.

So much for the frivolity on that day. What do I remember? I remember an incredible blue sky that day........I remember how good my mom looked in her dress and how happy she was. I see her in that dress everyday as a picture of her and my dad sits in our foyer. God Bless my mom.........I remember taking pictures (and almost blowing away from the wind) at a bluff up at Steven's Tech with the World Trade Center as our background..........I remember seeing my father-in-law Joe, God Bless Him standing in his tuxedo outside of the church on the street right behind the limo with a.......'Fugggggettttt about even coming near this limo" look on his face. If you knew Joe, you're laughing right now.......I remember my nieces (my side) dissing my nephews (Grace's side) and wouldn't dance with them. Tears were flowing. Jessica and Julie can know that Shaune and Stephen have recovered from that dissing very nicely, thank you!

But back to my October 6, 2010 and this blog.............

WHAT I remember most that day were 3 things..........standing at the altar waiting for the ceremony to begin and taking a big exhale. Everything is done. This is it. Relax and enjoy the big day. The 2nd thing I remember is how the breath went out of me when I first saw Grace in her wedding gone. How beautiful she was. How happy she looked. The masked man standing behind her with a gun to her head forcing her to go thru with it........actually there was no masked man. I'm was just trying to see if you were still paying attention. But the thing I remember most about that day---was something I did not overly dwell on in our first 18 years of marriage---but they are emblazoned on my mind, my body and my soul today after what the last 2 years have been like in our marriage......and most especially these last 4 months.........

"For Richer or for Poorer.......In Sickness and in Health......Until Death do you part......"

I've successfully been able to drag Grace through---IN A VERY BIG WAY---vows #1 and #2 and don't think for one minute there weren't days during my original diagnosis, pre-surgery and lonely nights in the hospital that I did not think of the chances and the "what ifs" of vow #3. But just like God meant for those vows to take shape, Grace has been a trooper, a rock and shall I even say because this involves dealing with ME........a Saint as well. She's brought the highest degree of dignity and stick-to-it-tev-ness to the world's 2 most important---Mother and Wife. It hasn't been easy, surely. Has she had bad days or days like giving up or days of despair......YES I'm sure she has. But the alarm goes off the next day, the sun rises and she's back fighting the good fight and making certain I am doing the same......even though that alarm goes off much LATER for me!

I truly think that during this journey, she has had it more difficult than me. She's like the co-pilot on this journey I'm on and as many of you know---Grace is a WHITE KNUCKLE flyer. The ultimate in "fear of flying", the not having any control factor. During my cancer treatment and now recovery, sometimes she's in the dark. It's my body, it's my thoughts, it's my recovery. And surely this will come as no shock, I'm not a bouquet of flowers from 1-800 flowers on many days---that was before cancer. Now with having had cancer, yes be assured there have been days that I've decided to take my feeling like shit out on her, like she had something to do with me feeling like shit. Not right.......just not right.

Grace......there aren't enough tomorrows to thank you for getting me through this, keeping me positive, taking me for treatments, tending to the kids needs---both basic everyday home needs and those helping to soothe any of their fears. I couldn't or wouldn't want to have had any other partner for the last 4 months, the last 2 years, the last 20 years......and the many, many, many years ahead.

I know and you know that Grace and I are gonna get through this and when we come out on the other end, we'll be much better people for it. We talked and I mentioned before about a "rain check" on the 20th celebration and redeeming that rain check next year on our 21st. We'll have to see what the year ahead holds for us. But what I want to give her---pledge to her---is noted in lyrics of a song........

"I can walk on water, I can tell you what's next.......make you believe, make you forget".

Even though I'm down about 40lbs, I still would think the first task would be kinda hard. But for now, my desire is make certain that I can give her 3 out of 4. She deserves nothing less.................

God Bless You and Best Regards,

David D

1 DAY, 1 SITUATION, 2 PEOPLE, 2 PARTS of the SAME STORY (PART 1)......

Hello All and welcome back to my journey..........

I timed this blog to be written today and however long it takes me these days to do one---you see, radiation has me s-l-o-w-i-n-g me down these days---as I wanted it to follow an extremely significant day in my life. Gladly for me and my blog, (and another significant person) it turned out to be a wonderful day. One of the reasons that made it so wonderful was that leading up to it and going into this day, frankly I was feeling very down with a DEPRESSING outlook. I reflected on this day to come for a few weeks and I spent some very lonely times on the radiation table thinking about it. So the day and the story (in 2 parts) is.........

October 6, 2010

PART ONE; The Medical Side............. My last journal entry covered Weeks 1 and 2 of radiation and let us not forget that little side trip to the ER. This entry will cover Weeks 3 thru today....basically Week 5 1/2. While there is not nearly the detail and THE BIG ASS THUD that the last blog had, there surely have been many ups and downs that I've lived thru over these past weeks.

As of the finish of this blog, I ONLY have 2 radiation sessions to go---Friday and Monday. Monday being a make up for missing on Labor Day. Then the zapping is done!!! While surely I look forward to that with much, much anticipation of finishing, it also opens up a different chapter of the unknown. The doctor and staff have warned me that some symptoms might actually get WORSE after the radiation is finished. Boy I was just plain overjoyed to hear that little tidbit! I guess you can liken it to withdrawal from smoking or drugs as how your body reacts to something that it is used to on a regular basis. My body over 5 1/2 weeks has gotten used to the radiation and some parts of it will react negatively or differently when radiation stops. EG.....just during the time it took to type these almost 2 paragraphs, I have had to pick up and go spit 3 times. Now let me tell you spit is a kind way of describing the shit that comes out of my mouth these days....every day, all day. It wakes me up at times and it keeps me awake at times. So the secretions are very heavy, very thick and come very often. But the crap that comes out of my mouth now, will change once radiation is complete and take the form of TOTAL dry mouth for most likely 2 months. Another tidbit from the nurse practitioner that I was THRILLED to learn. So while I sit and type and spit away, I think I'd rather have this than the total dry mouth that is to follow.

As I've said previously, all the side effects and problems I'm having were all detailed to me by the doctors and staff. Yes, I've pretty much gotten hit with all the ones we discussed during these past Weeks 3, 4 and 5 and now into early Week 6. Taste distortions---Yes. Mouth and Throat Sores---Yes. Gum sores---Yes. Difficulty swallowing (BIG TIME since end of Week 4)---Yes. My tongue feeling as if firecrackers have been placed on it---Yes. Loss of desire to eat (VERY SCARY ONE HERE for me but)---Yes. Weight loss---Yes. Patchy hair loss---Yes. Fatigue (Most Recently)---Yes. Exterior of my neck (Above Photo) looking like someone took a blow torch to it---Yes. They've so seriously got it nailed that on 2 occasions, once in Week 3 and once in Week 5, they prescribed new medicines for me "in advance of sores and pain" one day and the problems showed up the next day even before I had a chance to get the prescriptions filled. They really are on top of their shit!

Back to the side effects, probably the 2 that grate on me the most are my feelings towards food and the condition of my neck. Surely I hope as I stop radiation I hope this changes, but the look and smell of foods that I cannot eat right now basically makes me feel nauseous. My menu over the past 2 weeks has taken on a "Groundhog Day" feel to it......same shit---day in/day out. Carnation Instant Breakfast, Ensure, Yogurt, Pudding, Cream of Wheat, Soup Broth, Scrambled Eggs....lots and lots and lots of scrambled eggs and Angel Hair pasta SOAKED with butter. With all other real people foods it's like, YUK! Open up the frig, YUK! See an Outback Steakhouse commercial on TV, YUK! Drive by a Chines restaurant, YUK! I feel like I'm in some kind of Twilight Zone episode. Rod Serling is here and for your viewing pleasure tonight....."The Man Who LOVED to Eat is Now Sickened By It". Oh the horror, Oh the pain.!!! So I'm not yet at this sickened/panicked state about food, but it does have me worried. Also by visual evidence in the photo at the lead of this blog, I'm not doing cartwheels over the my neck. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not hiding in a corner or going outside with a burka on my neck covering all problems. As I've said previously, I've already had my negotiations with God and a nice, big visible scar along with the rest of the mess my neck is was something I already traded to him for the ability to live well and live long. BUT, it does bother me like it would bother any of you if you had an OPEN sunburn in multiple spots that would not go away. Collars bother me, seat belts bother me, picking my head up and down bothers me. I can feel the burn on my neck just looking at the computer screen right now.

But some good things came out of these weeks as well. During Week 3 I got a visit from my sister Mary Ann and my brother-in-law Bob....who in better terms is really my brother Bob as he has been that close to me for as long as I've known him. Plus people believe we are brothers as we look alike....except for the the fact that he is physically fit and right about now my body resembles something you can find in a Play Doh jar. There aren't 2 better people to come visit me and help to pick my spirits up. It was very kind of them to come and I'll never forget it! And Week 3 was a good time to come as I was just about to get over the halfway hump. They did jinx me in one way though. I must have been so "keyed up" over their visit that when they took me to my Thursday treatment that week, it didn't take me once or twice or 3 times, etc........but it took my radiation techs SIX tries before they could get me in the right place on the treatment table. So I blame them for making me so excited that I couldn't sit still for the Techs!!! The other small bit of good news, which I really liked, was that the radiation killed whisker growth on my face and and on my neck. So now I basically have sideburns, a mustache and some random gray hairs on my face. Nothing that we can really still call a beard. But the REAL good news is that I have ZERO whiskers growing on my neck and I've hated shaving my neck forever. But it surely wouldn't be very fun right now---above photo as proof.

But the BIG good news, the REAL BIG good news is that I'm almost done. I'm almost at the goal line. More good news is, I'm ready to dive into getting better each and every day once radiation ends. More good news is, that I'm ready to fight the fight to get my life back as I knew it, back for me to enjoy the way I knew it. But not just for me to enjoy, but for Grace, Matt, Arianna and Josh to enjoy the return to "old times" around here.

While this covers that past few weeks up until October 6th, there was a much more important and a much more personal item that covered that same October 6th date. Part 2 of this blog will cover that. Until then..............

God Bless You and Best Regards!

David D