1 DAY, 1 SITUATION, 2 PEOPLE, 2 PARTS of the SAME STORY (PART 2)........

Welcome back to the journey.............

Editor's Note..........

Cancer has its own plans. Surely it has HAD its own plans with me. My intention was to post this blog---Part 2 of my previous blog---as close as I could to October 6th, as this day is the heart of my posting.

Monday was my LAST day of radiation and you would think I would be all shits and giggs about it. Nooooooo.........VERY far from it my friends. As to the days of the last week and this past weekend---those will be part of the "radiation finale" post and that post will have much more details of those last days. These days weren't fun physically, mentally and SURELY NOT emotionally. But the fog has lifted since then and it is easier to tell you now, that those days sapped the life out of me and even the easiest tasks---like typing were exhausting if not painful. Like my neck....it is an absolute TRAIN WRECK MESS and what you saw in the my last blog post photo.....that photo is laughable compared to the real deal that I see when I look in the mirror. As I said, more detail in the blog to follow but the one BIG thing I will say, is that this is first time I finally caught myself saying.........

......"this *&%$#@! SUCKS!!!

Turning towards Part 2 of this post.........I think back (and there was LOTS and LOTS of that since my last post) to my initial consult with my surgeon, Dr Weinstein. He was very blunt which as is his nature telling me that I had a ROUGH 2 1/2 months ahead of me. How right he was about the rough part, but I wish it was only 2 1/2 months compared to the 4 that it became. But what would have been more appropriate was if he looked both me and GRACE in the eyes and said....."BOTH of you are in for rough time ahead".

p.s.....A thank you to the wife of my dear friend Larry Fraser, Annemarie who made a comment about my Week 1 and 2 blog that created that spark to FINALLY wake up and smell the coffee...............

OCTOBER 6, 2010

PART TWO; The Personal Side....................The look for this day starts on October 6, 1990. That was our wedding day and October 6th of last week was our 20th wedding anniversary. This is not the way I had planned to spend our 20th anniversary. It was the 18th or the 16th, maybe it wouldn't eat at my insides as much. Someway, someday, somehow I got weak and I got sick. REAL sick. Stage IV cancer sick. Boy.......that that last one is sure hard to type and proofread. Very hard, but it WAS what it WAS.

For all my adult life, two of the WORST words in the English language to me are "lonely" and "burden". For 4 months now I've been pretty much a burden on my wife. No argument on that one. And as to being good company for her, you know, I know, she knows that is far from being the case. I know that she has felt lonely.

As to our 20th...........For heaven sake for such an important occasion, Grace deserves so, so, so much more. So mostly what I can give her right now......IS WORDS. And since I basically put myself naked out there for all of you to see in these blogs, (HOLD IT......that is emotionally and mentally naked folks, not physically naked. That scary thought would shut down this blog for good!) I told Grace that all I was gonna give her for the 20th was to concentrate on my recovery and take a rain check until 2011. These words to come, are something else that I want to give her.

So it is my blog and to make me and Grace feel better, let's take a paragraph or 2 to go down memory lane............

How did we get here is hard to believe........ 20 years? THAT READS AS........How in the world could Grace take me for 20 years? Hard to believe. Some of you were there on that day back in 1990. Lovely service at an old-time church, St. Anne's in beautiful ole Hoboken, NJ. What most of YOU remember (if you avoided complete alcohol blackout)........it was one helluva party! Everyone danced and danced...some geniuses tried to skip pizza bagels across the cocktail hour pool like they were stones on a pond........EVERYONE (I think excluding my dad) hitting the floor for "Shout"......the hotel needing to scurry to get more booze when we added an extra hour to the reception...........and of course how could we forget......"Ladies and Gentlemen, the new Mr and Mrs DeMATINEZ". For those of you that weren't there, the lead singer of the band introducing us got one of the worst brain cramps ever (it is actually visible on the video!) and DeDOMINICIS went to DeMatinez. As my twin brother Dennis so comedically and quickly interjected in his toast, telling Grace, "our name is easy to spell, there are no "T"s and "Z"s in it". I wish I could post a link from the wedding video with my brother doing the toast and that jughead singer in the background with the biggest goofball smile on his face.

So much for the frivolity on that day. What do I remember? I remember an incredible blue sky that day........I remember how good my mom looked in her dress and how happy she was. I see her in that dress everyday as a picture of her and my dad sits in our foyer. God Bless my mom.........I remember taking pictures (and almost blowing away from the wind) at a bluff up at Steven's Tech with the World Trade Center as our background..........I remember seeing my father-in-law Joe, God Bless Him standing in his tuxedo outside of the church on the street right behind the limo with a.......'Fugggggettttt about even coming near this limo" look on his face. If you knew Joe, you're laughing right now.......I remember my nieces (my side) dissing my nephews (Grace's side) and wouldn't dance with them. Tears were flowing. Jessica and Julie can know that Shaune and Stephen have recovered from that dissing very nicely, thank you!

But back to my October 6, 2010 and this blog.............

WHAT I remember most that day were 3 things..........standing at the altar waiting for the ceremony to begin and taking a big exhale. Everything is done. This is it. Relax and enjoy the big day. The 2nd thing I remember is how the breath went out of me when I first saw Grace in her wedding gone. How beautiful she was. How happy she looked. The masked man standing behind her with a gun to her head forcing her to go thru with it........actually there was no masked man. I'm was just trying to see if you were still paying attention. But the thing I remember most about that day---was something I did not overly dwell on in our first 18 years of marriage---but they are emblazoned on my mind, my body and my soul today after what the last 2 years have been like in our marriage......and most especially these last 4 months.........

"For Richer or for Poorer.......In Sickness and in Health......Until Death do you part......"

I've successfully been able to drag Grace through---IN A VERY BIG WAY---vows #1 and #2 and don't think for one minute there weren't days during my original diagnosis, pre-surgery and lonely nights in the hospital that I did not think of the chances and the "what ifs" of vow #3. But just like God meant for those vows to take shape, Grace has been a trooper, a rock and shall I even say because this involves dealing with ME........a Saint as well. She's brought the highest degree of dignity and stick-to-it-tev-ness to the world's 2 most important---Mother and Wife. It hasn't been easy, surely. Has she had bad days or days like giving up or days of despair......YES I'm sure she has. But the alarm goes off the next day, the sun rises and she's back fighting the good fight and making certain I am doing the same......even though that alarm goes off much LATER for me!

I truly think that during this journey, she has had it more difficult than me. She's like the co-pilot on this journey I'm on and as many of you know---Grace is a WHITE KNUCKLE flyer. The ultimate in "fear of flying", the not having any control factor. During my cancer treatment and now recovery, sometimes she's in the dark. It's my body, it's my thoughts, it's my recovery. And surely this will come as no shock, I'm not a bouquet of flowers from 1-800 flowers on many days---that was before cancer. Now with having had cancer, yes be assured there have been days that I've decided to take my feeling like shit out on her, like she had something to do with me feeling like shit. Not right.......just not right.

Grace......there aren't enough tomorrows to thank you for getting me through this, keeping me positive, taking me for treatments, tending to the kids needs---both basic everyday home needs and those helping to soothe any of their fears. I couldn't or wouldn't want to have had any other partner for the last 4 months, the last 2 years, the last 20 years......and the many, many, many years ahead.

I know and you know that Grace and I are gonna get through this and when we come out on the other end, we'll be much better people for it. We talked and I mentioned before about a "rain check" on the 20th celebration and redeeming that rain check next year on our 21st. We'll have to see what the year ahead holds for us. But what I want to give her---pledge to her---is noted in lyrics of a song........

"I can walk on water, I can tell you what's next.......make you believe, make you forget".

Even though I'm down about 40lbs, I still would think the first task would be kinda hard. But for now, my desire is make certain that I can give her 3 out of 4. She deserves nothing less.................

God Bless You and Best Regards,

David D