THE 2 MONTH REPRIEVE from DOCTORS and BLOGGING is OVER

Hello All,

Welcome Back to the Journey.......... Maybe it is the blessing of the season of Lent that has finally driven me. Or possibly it is that blogging will help save me from SHOOTING MYSELF OVER THIS WEATHER!!!......or maybe and probably just that I've finally gotten off my butt from little 2 month siesta here and get back to some things, for here specifically blogging.

It is nice to be back boys and girls and yes......it has been a while. This was really part of the plan to jump off this cancer train for a while....almost all parts of it that were not necessary to maintain my long-term care. But with that said....I never intended to not blog for a whole 2 months now. Stay away from doctor's appointments for 2 months, YES that was planned. Woulda/coulda/shoulda blogged before this since my last one on February 15th, but at this point.....it is what it is. I guess in many ways I didn't feel like I might not have had much to say....No pulling of Tubes, No Scans, No taking of pill after pill, No necks oozing puss, (See....didn't you miss this shit???) etc......No I still do have much to say that goes on today and many things I still want to write from the heart about the journey as surely it continues. But in many ways my life is getting some normalcy back to it over the past 2 months. But then again, that's really bullshit because in HARSH REALITY, my life will never been 100% the way it was before June 8th of last year. But with that said.....and as hard as this is to believe, in some ways, MY LIFE IS BETTER!!! Say what???.....see if I can get there a little bit today.

When we last left off with Mr DogZog......Well my last mailing list correspondence was not via a Blog, but by way of Blackberry e-mail to all of you when I got my 2 negative biopsies on February 16th. My next scan, follow up with the Radiation Oncologist and with my Surgeon would now not be until mid-April. 2 months off. Felt like a kid when school gets out. But not so fast......there is a problem with the ongoing Thrush that my Surgeon wanted me to be evaluated for the possibility of doing HyperBaric treatments....can you say Michael Jackson? HyperBaric???.....just hopefully I don't have to sit around with a pet chimp and teenage boys while wearing a sparkling glove if I do it, ala....the late MJ. Before I could do this, it requires an eye exam + the HyperBaric consult. Then there is what I affectionately call..."the DIZZY Doctor". Now I'm sure this doctor went to school and spent $100,000+ to not be called the "Dizzy Doctor". But for me, that is what he is. So to try and solve my Vertigo problem, we want Dave to take a hearing/balance test + a consult with my friend.....yes, THE Dizzy Doctor. So I exhale thinking I've got 2 months of no doctors and in the span of 2-3 minutes, I've got 4 appointments I need to schedule. YUK!!!

So I was pleasantly surprised and did not push back at all when scheduling could not get any of these appointments until......mid-April. Now come mid-April I was gonna get hammered with appointments. All of the follow ups I mentioned + a follow up with my dental specialist and other standard" follow ups with my docs at UPenn would bring the follow up appointments come mid-April to ten (10). More YUK!!! Captain Co-Pay would be back in full swing come mid-April for sure. So while I wasn't particularly looking forward to where we are right now, mid-April and the 10 follow up appointments, I was VERY MUCH looking forward to 2 months without seeing any doctors. Now we know that I've taken sooooo many medicines and seen soooooo many doctors, that I really couldn't go 2 months without seeing some kind of medical person. Goodness gracious if I went that long, Horizon would be sending me friendly Co-Pay reminders....." hey good friend, we haven't seen you a while".....type of thing.

But fear not Horizon....I had to stay on the Co-Pay train and had visits with a new GP, my Cardiologist and 2 trips to the dentist. Can't make any dentist jokes here though, as my dentist is on this distribution list!!! Additionally to these visits and really the only one related to the cancer recovery.....is going to PT for Lymphedema. These visits were twice/week, but now down to once/week, not due to it getting any better, but frankly due to the Co-Pay, price of gas and the miles traveled to get there. The affordability factor is only once/week. So.....as to the GP and Cardiologist visits you ask......passed with flying colors with all blood work and my weight (OFFICIALLY down >50lbs but <60lbs since March 2010) and blood pressue are so good, that my doctor might lower my BP meds come next visit. "Yeah baby".......

As to the ongoing Lymphedema, it continually reminds me of one word I've come to dread over these past 10 1/2 months......CHRONIC. My Lymphedema is chronic. My right side face numbness is chronic. My drier-than-normal mouth is probably chronic. My fluoride deficiency is my teeth is chronic. I'm hoping that the Thrush in my mouth is not chronic, but I've had it since mid-October and still yet......nobody can figure out how to completely cure it. Now mind you I don't have any problems swallowing, there are still some things that are very difficult. It still very difficult to eat harder foods...hard bread, chips, etc.....More so it is difficult to withstand spicier foods. This is the one I hope to heck they can fix because a life without Hot Buffalo Wings and Beer.....well......need I say more about the David D you all know??? It is also still difficult to eat certain foods unless rinsed down with a liquid. And while not a food, on sporadic Sundays I get to experience my toughest swallowing task as a result of my dry mouth. The hardest thing to get down is communion. It is extremely hard without the help of the Blood of Christ to wash it down. Now I'm sure Matthew and Luke and John don't have a scripture written for this, but it is a struggle on those days, like this past Sunday when the holy wine was not available in my section of the church. Don't think they would take very well to me turning Sunday Mass into a BYOBOC affair......Bring Your Own Blood of Christ. Yeah.....don't think that would go over very well.

Speaking of church and not going over well, as I've tried to continue my recovery, I'm trying to "diversify" in the prayer department, not asking for the same things over and over. Holy Week is upon us Christians and I was thinking of trying this one out at Easter mass tomorrow. Tell me how you think it would fly.........

Dear Lord,

Yes, your faithful servant David D here Lord. Just wondering your holiness, if you could help out here. I know you had that thing about turning water into wine. I was wondering if you could lend the touch to help turning my unpaid hospital bills into a winning Mega Millions ticket? Now it doesn't have to be like real MEGA Millions, just anything Mega would be fine. Can you get back at me on this?

Your faithful servant

David D

So I'm not really counting on this one working......what do you think?

Still with so many other things to say, I'll leave on that note of my pending Easter prayer + one other thing. I mentioned earlier that in some ways my life is better than it was. Possibly for many of you who know me, talked me and have seen me that would be incredibly hard for you to believe. Goodness all you would have had to do was follow this blog and it would be hard to believe that. But it is the sense of......."I'm so glad to be here today and well enough to".......kind of things. You know how nice it is to just watch the sun set? Things when you're sick you ponder if you're ever gonna see.....Arianna's prom, our 1st college visit with Arianna, (BTW.....Penn State last Friday and VERY nice!) seeing Josh walk in the door with glasses, getting Josh's report card of 3 A's and 3 B's and then having him put his hand out for a cash reward, getting to see everyday Matt's continued independence and growth into becoming a young man or getting the annual "when our we going back to Disney" speech from him......all things that hopefully I'm smart enough to soak in and allow myself to enjoy them unfolding---Grace and I together. So if you see a guy at the boardwalk or at the Brick Reservoir or just at the side of the road.....aimlessly staring at a setting sun this summer, it just might be me a crazy person......but also might just might be me......OK, same thing....I know!!!

Happy Passover and Happy Easter depending on your tribe.

God Bless,

David D

WHILE VALENTINE'S DAY WENT VERY WELL....I AWAIT ANOTHER GIFT.........

WELCOME BACK TO THE JOURNEY.............

And Happy Valentine's Day (belated) to all of you, epecially the Ladies in our audience........

As Ground Hog Day just passed us, it makes me reflect that so many of the days of my life over these past 8+ months have felt like Ground Hog Day. They have the same feel, the same texture, the same hope, the same anticipation, the same fear.......and more than any other emotion.....they have the same anxiety. Thus like it seems so many other blogs before this, today is one with the same feel of anxiety "as I wait in joyful hope for the coming of".......no, not our savior Jesus Christ as the prayer would finish, but would in hope of a good day and good news tomorrow. Now that previously mentioned man named Jesus assuredly will be called out to tonight by way of prayers from yours truly. When....what.....where......why......how did we get here. Ahhhhhhhh that is what I have a blog for my friends.

When we last met on my blog, I was going for my first post-recovery scan. While I replied a couple days later via e-mail and not by way of a full-blown blog, the test was not a 100% ace job, but I scored a self-described 98%. Only a couple of nodes on the left side of my neck---the opposite side of the original tumor---were described by my Radiation Oncologist as "borderline" and nothing that we could not wait to review again at my next scan in mid-April. OK......so I'm good. But I've got that minor follow up visit with my surgeon to do 2 weeks after this.....mere formality (SURE!!!) if you will since he has not seen me since mid-July. NO problem. No problem unless you know my surgeon.

So then comes January 26th, the day of my follow up appointment. A bigger problem than the 2-3 inches of snow that greet me for the drive to my 8:00am appointment is that I didn't taken the BIGGEST part of my own personal advice that day. I've told anyone/everyone that the one thing that I learned during this journey was to take someone to ride "side-saddle" with you when you go on one of those BIG appoinments with the doctors. Be it a spouse, a significant other, a parent, a child, a neighbor, a pet.......let someone be there so that they can hear what the doctor ACTUALLY SAYS vs what you may WANT TO HEAR FROM THE DOCTOR. On this doctor visit, unbeknownst to me, I broke that rule before I knew it. So I walk in 5 minutes late after the snow for my appointment and within probably 5 minutes of that is when Dr Weinstein arrives and starts talking. It is now I begin to hear the word BIOPSY not once, but TWICE. Borrowing my favorite phrase from my High School if you will........"Say What"?

The phrase PROACTIVE vs REACTIVE is one to so aptly describe my surgeon. Why wait to find out/know tomorrow what we can today? So while that is what I love about my surgeon, I was ready for a 30 minute---exchange pleasantries---how's the wife and kids?---how do you feel?---kind of appointment. That wasn't happening on this day. No this day was.........

1) "I don't like that you're still having problems with your throat 4+ months after radiation".....BIOPSY #1 on February 1st.

2) "If I've gotta do surgery I don't wanna know about a problem with your nodes 90 days from now. I wanna know about them NOW......AND so should you".......THAT WOULD BE BIOPSY #2 on February 10th.

3) "And since your procedure next week (a Laryngoscopy the same procedure done by my EENT last June that orignally diagnosed the Tonsil Tumor).....is minor surgery via going under, you'll need to hang around today and do all the pre-admissions testing"....

So now the routine 30 minute/nice to see you again appointment has turned into a full day at UPenn. Mind you, one that only gets even a LITTLE bit more fun. Seems that when I went to do an EKG with the Cardiologist besides giving blood, taking a chest X-Ray PLUS another EKG at the hospital.....it seems the EKG at the Cardiologist has a "slight abnormaliity" to the one I did there in June before the Robotic Surgery on my tonsil. What does that mean??? It means taking the elevator one floor up and getting to take a stress test. Nothing like a 30 minute routine visit turning into doing a full out sprint on a severely inclined treadmill.......while in jeans!!!!!!!!! Seriously.....is there this much fun in the after-life??? Someone please tell me now.

So I've gone for my "Double-Dutch Bus of Fun" over the past 2 weeks.....The throat Biopsy on Feb 1st (I needed a good nap) and then the neck (yes please give me 3 LONG needles right into my neck thank you!) on Feb 10th. While I'll never take the first glance/naked eye exam to mean anything more than exactly that, those exams did NOT.....again did NOT seem to indicate any possible short-term reoccurence of Cancer.

But now, with all levity aside......the even thought of and the mere typing of the words...."POSSIBLE SHORT-TERM REOCCURENCE of CANCER"......are frankly enough to make me want to cry. Yes and cry I have. Yes and I've even cried and cried some more. But self-pity, self-doubt, self....oh, woe is me will get me absolutely no f'ing place! No......I've I stressed over and over, the mental capacity to fight and to continue to fight and when you're sick of fighting.....then GD keep fighting some more!!! The mental capacity to fight is what keeps you going. Without that, me and so many others are justing spinning our wheels. The mental capacity to do that, to HOPE FOR THAT it what keeps you going. It what makes the sun rise in the morning. It's what keeps you going during the day. It's what puts a smile on your face at night when you kiss Grace, Matt, Arianna and Josh goodnight. OK....I'm a softy.....I'll even throw in kisses for Jewel and Rylee. Hey.....all dogs go to heaven you know!

So for now, please know that this blog page springs for hope that the Doctor's news will be good and that the positive strides I have made TO GET MY LIFE BACK will not go without reward. I've put WAY too much effort and put in WAY too much time and have put forth WAY too much hope to get halted in my tracks now. I've got WAY too much to live for................

Thank You and God Bless!

David D

I KNEW LONG AGO THERE WOULD BE NO SLEEP ON THIS NIGHT.............

HAPPY NEW YEAR and Welcome Back to the Journey..............

Incredibly I took a look right before undertaking a new blog (FINALLY!!!) at 2 things. One was the clock which tells me that in some ways I am back to my old ways. Starting to write this at 2:18AM tells me that my energy has returned, but at the same time any sanity I've tried to regain is gone out the window. 2:18AM for goodness sake??? Besides the clock, the other thing I checked out was my blog. No, not to see if it was actually on line. No I know it is still there, but to see when was the last blog posting. November 22nd was the latest one and for it being almost 2 months since my last blog I apologize to all of you. I should also apologize to myself as I am only almost one paragraph into this new one and I feel good writing already.

If you know me and have followed this blog, you know if I'm writing and especially if I am up late writing that means I cannot sleep and in the past 7 months since I was diagnosed with cancer you know what that means---YES, I've got a doctor's appointment. Now if I wrote a blog every night before a doctor's appointment, you would be reading these blogs about as regularly as your favorite newspaper columnist, based on the amount of times I've seen doctors over the past 7 months. No, but tomorrow is.....well.....THE BIGGIE!!! It's the one that I tried to promise myself I would not think about for 89 days when it was scheduled to take place 90 days after my radiation ended. But you know what? I couldn't do it. Thought about it each and every one of those 89 days I've waited. The holidays were a good diversion. My birthday......A brief personal moment here......YES I turned the BIG 5-0 yesterday and in the words of the late, great Leslie Nielsen from one of my all-time favorite movies Airplane........"that's not important right now". Yes, my birthday was a good diversion. No folks the importance is today,....later this morning.....11:30AM to be exact. Today is the 2nd biggest reason I wanted 2011 to get here and no for all you smart asses out there.....turning 50 was not the 1st reason. Actually leaving 2010 in the rear view mirror was the #1 reason why I wanted 2011 to get here. So before we can talk about 11:30AM today, I need to close the book on 2010.

Closing the book on 2010 was possibly the easiest thing I've done in my life. 365 days of unemployment and 177 days of......"you have cancer". Any questions why I wanted so badly to see 2010 end? But there were 3 parts of 2010 that I came to know and love. 2 of those have already and will forever be noted in this blog. First and foremost is of course the love, dedication, comfort and understanding I received from my entire family---immediate and extended, my side and Grace's. Without them, I wouldn't have made it even a few hours, let alone days and especially those days that were the darkest of the dark. The other one I've previously documented, but must be noted again were ALL the caregivers at UPenn. From my initial life-saver, my surgeon Dr Weinstein to my 2nd life-saver my Radiation Oncologist Dr Lin to EVERYONE before, after and in between. I can talk for days---and actually have with a few people that asked---about the TREMENDOUS care I received. Yes there are many things I've gone through that surely I never wanted to go through, but there wasn't anything that I didn't know about, wasn't prepared for and that the doctors weren't ready and prepared to handle. While my June 15, 2010 date of "final and complete diagnosis" will stay with me forever, so will the other words that came out of my EENT's mouth........that was the recommendation to go to UPenn.

But just like family and UPenn, the other part of 2010 that I was so grateful for is something like the other 2 that I have complete faith will carry with me into 2011 and beyond. That thing is ALL of YOU!!! It started post-surgery on the night of June 25th when most of you found out the news about me. The number is still etched in my head. I finally picked up my phone and there were 452 messages waiting for me. Yes, while some of these were junk e-mails, or tweets from Adam Schefter, the overwhelming were messages from all of you. With some of you it was 2 and 3 and 4 messages that were waiting for me as I could not get to my phone in any type of coherent state until that night. I think I said this before, but let me repeat if I have not.......I felt like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life"......except for the basket of money of course!!! For I was the richest man in town, because I had friends. And not just friends, but GREAT and CARING friends. And you my friends have:

.........Stuck With Me as I was getting my neck cut from ear to throat.

.........Stuck With Me when I got gout so bad in 3 places simultaneously that I couldn't even stand up to go to the bathroom---at least until I was told that they were gonna stick a needle in a place that I think a needle never should go.

.........Stuck With Me when I was getting tube #2 yanked from my chest so hard it made me ball like a baby.

.........Stuck With Me when one week into radiation my BP hit 179/120 and the words stroke were being thrown around until I was never so happy to have vertigo---which BTW, stays with me still to this day.

.........Stuck With Me when radiation burned my neck so bad that I couldn't turn my head and I had to sit and watch puss ooze from it at the time when other people couldn't stand to look at me.

.........Stuck With Me as I developed Lymphodema and a Thrush infection back in mid-October and it is now mid-January and both are still with me in a strong way with no signs that they are gonna go bye, bye anytime soon.

These events and mostly the daily grind---and I will tell any person who may get cancer or a loved one who gets cancer is that is what it is......A DAILY GRIND. And if any of you have gone through or dealt with anything that feels like a DAILY GRIND, you know exactly what I mean. You look at your watch and the day is still only 24 hours even though it feels like it was 44. You look at the calendar and each week still has 7 days even though you feel like it might have been 7 weeks. A.....DAILY.....F'ing.....GRIND.

There's family and the folks at UPenn to help you get through it, but it was---and continues to be---ALL OF YOU that get me through this shit. Early on I had someone ask me about my blog and how I could just "put myself out there for everyone to see". I never had any grand visions that I could get through this without the help of many good people. Many of you have tossed the words, strong and brave and hero at me. It makes me smile and OK, it makes me feel good. But while it is flattering, it is far from reality. Strength and bravery and heroes are made from those people who DO FOR OTHERS. Soldiers in Iraq or Afghanistan are heroes. Daniel Hernandez the intern who jumped into action to save Congresswoman Giffords life is a hero. I am just a man. A very common man at that, that for 7 months has not done anything in any different way than any of you would do if someone were to tell you........."See, you've got this and we need to do that if you wanna live". Seems like an easy decision to me, right? For me to decide that I wanted to live didn't take any research or some gut wrenching decision. But again, even with my decisions about my care and my dedication to getting better........NONE of it is at all possible without ALL of YOU to help make it happen. All of the kind words, all the positive energy, all the prayers, all the favors (grass cutting, rides to doctor, etc....) are all the things that made my journey to this point, easier so that I could do what I needed to do and that was being the best patient I could be, so I could rid this poisonous shit from my body.

Yes, ridding the poisonous shit from my body gives me a nice segway to the sleepless night and this blog. On Tuesday I had my first follow up scan which is scheduled 90 days after the end of radiation. Like clockwork they work.....radiation over October 11th, first scan on January 11th. So while the scan was on Tuesday, the moment of truth awaits tomorrow at 11:30AM as previously mentioned. My daily thought for 89 days will be over. You see It is then that I get to see my old friend Dr LIn, my Radiation Oncologist and get delivered the results of the scan. For all the faith, positive thoughts and hope I've had leading up to this day, as it has gotten closer, anxiety has turned to nervousness which since Christmas has transformed into being downright scared. You see to me it is worse now than when I first got diagnosed. When I first got diagnosed, what did I know? Oh, gotta lump in my neck, so if it is cancer, then they'll just go in and cut it out, maybe a few weeks of radiation and I'll be turning back flips by Labor Day. You see now I know too much. I know enough that if the news is good, it is only good until the next scan which will be either 3 or 6 months away. But if the news is bad, it is bad immediately. In so many parts of my life I've been a "worse case scenario" planner. Be planned and ready in case something really bad happens, but most likely the news will be good. But with all that said, if the news is not good, I cannot tell you how hard that would be to take. Frankly I've worked my ass over the past 7 months to get better. I've hit a permanent pause button on so many aspects of my life. While I'll have to deal with any news I'm given.......I ain't gonna very much like anything but Dr Lin throwing me a bouquet of cancer-free roses. So.......today is THE day.

Until we meet again............

Best Regards and God Bless!

David D

YES I'M STILL HERE and YES I STILL HAVE MY BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A BIG Welcome Back to the Journey..................

It's always nice to have a plan, but it's also very frustrating when a plan becomes difficult to come to fruition. And to describe me right now, FRUSTRATED would be an apt word.......but one of the more mild descriptions of my current disposition.

I apologize that I have not blogged since October 15th. VERY SORRY actually. Since finishing radiation on October 11th, the PLAN was to take a moment to EXHALE and then take a greatly anticipated family vacation that was rescheduled from this summer. Do those things and then come back to blogging. My return from vacation was November 7th. As I said, FRUSTRATING to have a plan go awry, especially since it is due to my health recovery for now being "stuck in neutral". I need to overcome some short-term (hopefully) medical issues to get my life moving forward again.

Back to my lack of blogging and updating all of you on the journey. Frankly it's SELFISH on my part to not update all of you on my journey as I've been so good at doing up to this past month. Especially since I should know in a case like mine---a recovering cancer patient--- that no news (or no blogs) can be assumed to be NOT good news. The quiet coming from my computer can be construed as......uh, oh....somethings wrong. So I'm hopeful and confident that my lack of blogging has not caused any of you to toss and turn at night and lose sleep. Don't think my absence would have caused that to happen. But I have gotten many....."just checking in and want to see how you are doing" e-mails and voice mails. While I have much to write about and have about 3 or 4 additional blogs in my head, I wanted my "COMEBACK BLOG" today to just kind of update you on where my head and body are right now. In addition you'll get a little dictionary lesson in the process.

My follow up visits---"inspection appointments"---as they are termed by UPenn, are held with my Nurse Practitioner. Erin works with my Radiation Oncologist and has been seeing me since the start of radiation. She pretty much hit the nail on the head at my first inspection appointment on October 26th............"I can tell you're one of those people who think, OK radiation is over and now I'm gonna get better. Well let me tell you, it might get worse before it gets better and it's gonna be months not weeks or days before you recover the way you want". It hit me immediately when she said it. It soaked in as I left UPenn. But of course on the drive home I said to myself that I was gonna be different than everyone else and I was gonna start to heal ASAP. Pretty much, I was dead wrong. Don't know if "dead wrong" is the right term to use though?

I've been feeling like shit since we returned from our Disney World vacation. I had to give up physical therapy on my shoulder during the last 1 1/2 weeks of radiation. (EDITORS NOTE: The next blog will deal deal with the last days of radiation and more.) It still hurts every morning when I wake up, but besides the issue with the shoulder, my main problems are centered on my mouth and my neck.

THRUSH

Formally known as Candidaisis

A fungal infection caused by any species of Candida

OK....it's a yeast infection that started on my tongue and has spread to other parts of my mouth

This pretty much sucks. How many of you have had the pleasure of having an orange/brown tongue that feels like it is growing hair? Any of you out there had this fun??? While it doesn't prohibit me from swallowing and everyday I can actually feel my taste buds increasing in their comeback, the Thrush causes pain to varying degrees pretty much 24/7. It peaks when I wake up and before I go to bed. So while the pain pills work, taking them every 3 hours drains my energy and makes me pretty darn lethargic. I've gotten better over the past few days to PUSH myself to get more active to try and fight through it that way. Friday and Saturday it was yard work, grass cutting, leaf pickup and yesterday (Sunday) it was 13 holes of golf with my bro-in-law Ken. As much as my golf game sucks, this outing was WONDERFUL to be out doing it. Great company with my BIL added to it. Hey.......and I par'd the the last hole we played, so that will keep me coming back for more!!!

LYMPHEDEMA

A build up of fluid in soft body tissues when the lymph system is damaged or blocked

This was an even bigger surprise than Thrush for me when I woke up one day and I was looking like the Elephant Man. I'm hoping I can get through Thanksgiving without someone mistakening me for a turkey. My neck does resemble that of a turkey right now. In addition to my neck I'm getting increased fluid build up in my right jaw. A couple days this morning I woke up and thought I swallowed a water balloon during the night. The other problem the Lymphedema has seemed to make resurface again is Vertigo. I can't lay in bed or on the couch and turn my head to the right. If I do, here comes the Vertigo. At times it gets more severe and I feel like I may blackout, which I read can be a resulting problem. So you can see that laying down and turning to the right is something to be avoided at all costs! While this Lymphedema does not hurt or really prohibit me in any other way, it is somewhat depressing as you really don't want to be out and about looking like a derivative freak version of your normal self. So I go and lose all this weight (down 40 lbs from April high water mark) and my face goes and blows up and you can't tell. SHIT!!!

I've been recommended to a special Physical Therapy they do for Lymphedema and I have an appointment on December 2nd. While it is not overly common to have this in the neck area---remember the fluid build up is related to the loss and/or the corruption of the lymph nodes. Also remember they took 66 lymph nodes out of my neck. 1 bad one and 65 clean ones thank goodness. But the most common form of Lympedema is with Breast Cancer patients who had mastectomies and the swelling occurs in their arms. Reading up on it more on line, it does not paint the rosiest pictures for me going forward, but it is also not something "grave" either. I think it will all come out in my initial consult with Physical Therapy to see how severe my case is. The one bit of info that I surely did not like is that it can increase ones likelihood of having a stroke. So let's see.........Cancer could kill me, now a stroke could kill me and possibly a heart attack may kill me because of all the high cholesterol foods I am eating to gain weight. NOTE: I was threatened by the Nurse Practitioner and Dietitian at my last appointment that if I lost anymore weight, they would sew a feeding tube into me. Well at least I know that low occupational self-esteem won't kill me. I would have been dead already after I pissed away my career and now feel like I'm permanently unemployed.

But it is "nice to be back" typing away at my blog which I enjoy SO much. As I said, I've got SO MANY things in my head to write about, but for this one........my return.......I wanted to give an update on the "current state of my union". My next blogs---the catchup blogs---will go over what has happened since my last blog on October 15th and what I've updated you on today.

Oh yeah, one last thing for you to visualize and to get a chuckle out of..............I've already told you I'm getting into the Thanksgiving spirit by having my neck look like that of a turkey's. Now I'm doing the same for Christmas. I'm told that with the Lymphedema there is a "garment" that is part of the treatment that best resembles that under-the-chin and tie-above-the-head silk that you would see in cartoons for a bad toothaches, or better yet, I'll be in the Christmas spirit as I'll look like Jacob Marley from Scrooge.

Oh if couldn't laugh at myself...........................

Best Regards and God Bless!

David D

1 DAY, 1 SITUATION, 2 PEOPLE, 2 PARTS of the SAME STORY (PART 2)........

Welcome back to the journey.............

Editor's Note..........

Cancer has its own plans. Surely it has HAD its own plans with me. My intention was to post this blog---Part 2 of my previous blog---as close as I could to October 6th, as this day is the heart of my posting.

Monday was my LAST day of radiation and you would think I would be all shits and giggs about it. Nooooooo.........VERY far from it my friends. As to the days of the last week and this past weekend---those will be part of the "radiation finale" post and that post will have much more details of those last days. These days weren't fun physically, mentally and SURELY NOT emotionally. But the fog has lifted since then and it is easier to tell you now, that those days sapped the life out of me and even the easiest tasks---like typing were exhausting if not painful. Like my neck....it is an absolute TRAIN WRECK MESS and what you saw in the my last blog post photo.....that photo is laughable compared to the real deal that I see when I look in the mirror. As I said, more detail in the blog to follow but the one BIG thing I will say, is that this is first time I finally caught myself saying.........

......"this *&%$#@! SUCKS!!!

Turning towards Part 2 of this post.........I think back (and there was LOTS and LOTS of that since my last post) to my initial consult with my surgeon, Dr Weinstein. He was very blunt which as is his nature telling me that I had a ROUGH 2 1/2 months ahead of me. How right he was about the rough part, but I wish it was only 2 1/2 months compared to the 4 that it became. But what would have been more appropriate was if he looked both me and GRACE in the eyes and said....."BOTH of you are in for rough time ahead".

p.s.....A thank you to the wife of my dear friend Larry Fraser, Annemarie who made a comment about my Week 1 and 2 blog that created that spark to FINALLY wake up and smell the coffee...............

OCTOBER 6, 2010

PART TWO; The Personal Side....................The look for this day starts on October 6, 1990. That was our wedding day and October 6th of last week was our 20th wedding anniversary. This is not the way I had planned to spend our 20th anniversary. It was the 18th or the 16th, maybe it wouldn't eat at my insides as much. Someway, someday, somehow I got weak and I got sick. REAL sick. Stage IV cancer sick. Boy.......that that last one is sure hard to type and proofread. Very hard, but it WAS what it WAS.

For all my adult life, two of the WORST words in the English language to me are "lonely" and "burden". For 4 months now I've been pretty much a burden on my wife. No argument on that one. And as to being good company for her, you know, I know, she knows that is far from being the case. I know that she has felt lonely.

As to our 20th...........For heaven sake for such an important occasion, Grace deserves so, so, so much more. So mostly what I can give her right now......IS WORDS. And since I basically put myself naked out there for all of you to see in these blogs, (HOLD IT......that is emotionally and mentally naked folks, not physically naked. That scary thought would shut down this blog for good!) I told Grace that all I was gonna give her for the 20th was to concentrate on my recovery and take a rain check until 2011. These words to come, are something else that I want to give her.

So it is my blog and to make me and Grace feel better, let's take a paragraph or 2 to go down memory lane............

How did we get here is hard to believe........ 20 years? THAT READS AS........How in the world could Grace take me for 20 years? Hard to believe. Some of you were there on that day back in 1990. Lovely service at an old-time church, St. Anne's in beautiful ole Hoboken, NJ. What most of YOU remember (if you avoided complete alcohol blackout)........it was one helluva party! Everyone danced and danced...some geniuses tried to skip pizza bagels across the cocktail hour pool like they were stones on a pond........EVERYONE (I think excluding my dad) hitting the floor for "Shout"......the hotel needing to scurry to get more booze when we added an extra hour to the reception...........and of course how could we forget......"Ladies and Gentlemen, the new Mr and Mrs DeMATINEZ". For those of you that weren't there, the lead singer of the band introducing us got one of the worst brain cramps ever (it is actually visible on the video!) and DeDOMINICIS went to DeMatinez. As my twin brother Dennis so comedically and quickly interjected in his toast, telling Grace, "our name is easy to spell, there are no "T"s and "Z"s in it". I wish I could post a link from the wedding video with my brother doing the toast and that jughead singer in the background with the biggest goofball smile on his face.

So much for the frivolity on that day. What do I remember? I remember an incredible blue sky that day........I remember how good my mom looked in her dress and how happy she was. I see her in that dress everyday as a picture of her and my dad sits in our foyer. God Bless my mom.........I remember taking pictures (and almost blowing away from the wind) at a bluff up at Steven's Tech with the World Trade Center as our background..........I remember seeing my father-in-law Joe, God Bless Him standing in his tuxedo outside of the church on the street right behind the limo with a.......'Fugggggettttt about even coming near this limo" look on his face. If you knew Joe, you're laughing right now.......I remember my nieces (my side) dissing my nephews (Grace's side) and wouldn't dance with them. Tears were flowing. Jessica and Julie can know that Shaune and Stephen have recovered from that dissing very nicely, thank you!

But back to my October 6, 2010 and this blog.............

WHAT I remember most that day were 3 things..........standing at the altar waiting for the ceremony to begin and taking a big exhale. Everything is done. This is it. Relax and enjoy the big day. The 2nd thing I remember is how the breath went out of me when I first saw Grace in her wedding gone. How beautiful she was. How happy she looked. The masked man standing behind her with a gun to her head forcing her to go thru with it........actually there was no masked man. I'm was just trying to see if you were still paying attention. But the thing I remember most about that day---was something I did not overly dwell on in our first 18 years of marriage---but they are emblazoned on my mind, my body and my soul today after what the last 2 years have been like in our marriage......and most especially these last 4 months.........

"For Richer or for Poorer.......In Sickness and in Health......Until Death do you part......"

I've successfully been able to drag Grace through---IN A VERY BIG WAY---vows #1 and #2 and don't think for one minute there weren't days during my original diagnosis, pre-surgery and lonely nights in the hospital that I did not think of the chances and the "what ifs" of vow #3. But just like God meant for those vows to take shape, Grace has been a trooper, a rock and shall I even say because this involves dealing with ME........a Saint as well. She's brought the highest degree of dignity and stick-to-it-tev-ness to the world's 2 most important---Mother and Wife. It hasn't been easy, surely. Has she had bad days or days like giving up or days of despair......YES I'm sure she has. But the alarm goes off the next day, the sun rises and she's back fighting the good fight and making certain I am doing the same......even though that alarm goes off much LATER for me!

I truly think that during this journey, she has had it more difficult than me. She's like the co-pilot on this journey I'm on and as many of you know---Grace is a WHITE KNUCKLE flyer. The ultimate in "fear of flying", the not having any control factor. During my cancer treatment and now recovery, sometimes she's in the dark. It's my body, it's my thoughts, it's my recovery. And surely this will come as no shock, I'm not a bouquet of flowers from 1-800 flowers on many days---that was before cancer. Now with having had cancer, yes be assured there have been days that I've decided to take my feeling like shit out on her, like she had something to do with me feeling like shit. Not right.......just not right.

Grace......there aren't enough tomorrows to thank you for getting me through this, keeping me positive, taking me for treatments, tending to the kids needs---both basic everyday home needs and those helping to soothe any of their fears. I couldn't or wouldn't want to have had any other partner for the last 4 months, the last 2 years, the last 20 years......and the many, many, many years ahead.

I know and you know that Grace and I are gonna get through this and when we come out on the other end, we'll be much better people for it. We talked and I mentioned before about a "rain check" on the 20th celebration and redeeming that rain check next year on our 21st. We'll have to see what the year ahead holds for us. But what I want to give her---pledge to her---is noted in lyrics of a song........

"I can walk on water, I can tell you what's next.......make you believe, make you forget".

Even though I'm down about 40lbs, I still would think the first task would be kinda hard. But for now, my desire is make certain that I can give her 3 out of 4. She deserves nothing less.................

God Bless You and Best Regards,

David D

1 DAY, 1 SITUATION, 2 PEOPLE, 2 PARTS of the SAME STORY (PART 1)......

Hello All and welcome back to my journey..........

I timed this blog to be written today and however long it takes me these days to do one---you see, radiation has me s-l-o-w-i-n-g me down these days---as I wanted it to follow an extremely significant day in my life. Gladly for me and my blog, (and another significant person) it turned out to be a wonderful day. One of the reasons that made it so wonderful was that leading up to it and going into this day, frankly I was feeling very down with a DEPRESSING outlook. I reflected on this day to come for a few weeks and I spent some very lonely times on the radiation table thinking about it. So the day and the story (in 2 parts) is.........

October 6, 2010

PART ONE; The Medical Side............. My last journal entry covered Weeks 1 and 2 of radiation and let us not forget that little side trip to the ER. This entry will cover Weeks 3 thru today....basically Week 5 1/2. While there is not nearly the detail and THE BIG ASS THUD that the last blog had, there surely have been many ups and downs that I've lived thru over these past weeks.

As of the finish of this blog, I ONLY have 2 radiation sessions to go---Friday and Monday. Monday being a make up for missing on Labor Day. Then the zapping is done!!! While surely I look forward to that with much, much anticipation of finishing, it also opens up a different chapter of the unknown. The doctor and staff have warned me that some symptoms might actually get WORSE after the radiation is finished. Boy I was just plain overjoyed to hear that little tidbit! I guess you can liken it to withdrawal from smoking or drugs as how your body reacts to something that it is used to on a regular basis. My body over 5 1/2 weeks has gotten used to the radiation and some parts of it will react negatively or differently when radiation stops. EG.....just during the time it took to type these almost 2 paragraphs, I have had to pick up and go spit 3 times. Now let me tell you spit is a kind way of describing the shit that comes out of my mouth these days....every day, all day. It wakes me up at times and it keeps me awake at times. So the secretions are very heavy, very thick and come very often. But the crap that comes out of my mouth now, will change once radiation is complete and take the form of TOTAL dry mouth for most likely 2 months. Another tidbit from the nurse practitioner that I was THRILLED to learn. So while I sit and type and spit away, I think I'd rather have this than the total dry mouth that is to follow.

As I've said previously, all the side effects and problems I'm having were all detailed to me by the doctors and staff. Yes, I've pretty much gotten hit with all the ones we discussed during these past Weeks 3, 4 and 5 and now into early Week 6. Taste distortions---Yes. Mouth and Throat Sores---Yes. Gum sores---Yes. Difficulty swallowing (BIG TIME since end of Week 4)---Yes. My tongue feeling as if firecrackers have been placed on it---Yes. Loss of desire to eat (VERY SCARY ONE HERE for me but)---Yes. Weight loss---Yes. Patchy hair loss---Yes. Fatigue (Most Recently)---Yes. Exterior of my neck (Above Photo) looking like someone took a blow torch to it---Yes. They've so seriously got it nailed that on 2 occasions, once in Week 3 and once in Week 5, they prescribed new medicines for me "in advance of sores and pain" one day and the problems showed up the next day even before I had a chance to get the prescriptions filled. They really are on top of their shit!

Back to the side effects, probably the 2 that grate on me the most are my feelings towards food and the condition of my neck. Surely I hope as I stop radiation I hope this changes, but the look and smell of foods that I cannot eat right now basically makes me feel nauseous. My menu over the past 2 weeks has taken on a "Groundhog Day" feel to it......same shit---day in/day out. Carnation Instant Breakfast, Ensure, Yogurt, Pudding, Cream of Wheat, Soup Broth, Scrambled Eggs....lots and lots and lots of scrambled eggs and Angel Hair pasta SOAKED with butter. With all other real people foods it's like, YUK! Open up the frig, YUK! See an Outback Steakhouse commercial on TV, YUK! Drive by a Chines restaurant, YUK! I feel like I'm in some kind of Twilight Zone episode. Rod Serling is here and for your viewing pleasure tonight....."The Man Who LOVED to Eat is Now Sickened By It". Oh the horror, Oh the pain.!!! So I'm not yet at this sickened/panicked state about food, but it does have me worried. Also by visual evidence in the photo at the lead of this blog, I'm not doing cartwheels over the my neck. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not hiding in a corner or going outside with a burka on my neck covering all problems. As I've said previously, I've already had my negotiations with God and a nice, big visible scar along with the rest of the mess my neck is was something I already traded to him for the ability to live well and live long. BUT, it does bother me like it would bother any of you if you had an OPEN sunburn in multiple spots that would not go away. Collars bother me, seat belts bother me, picking my head up and down bothers me. I can feel the burn on my neck just looking at the computer screen right now.

But some good things came out of these weeks as well. During Week 3 I got a visit from my sister Mary Ann and my brother-in-law Bob....who in better terms is really my brother Bob as he has been that close to me for as long as I've known him. Plus people believe we are brothers as we look alike....except for the the fact that he is physically fit and right about now my body resembles something you can find in a Play Doh jar. There aren't 2 better people to come visit me and help to pick my spirits up. It was very kind of them to come and I'll never forget it! And Week 3 was a good time to come as I was just about to get over the halfway hump. They did jinx me in one way though. I must have been so "keyed up" over their visit that when they took me to my Thursday treatment that week, it didn't take me once or twice or 3 times, etc........but it took my radiation techs SIX tries before they could get me in the right place on the treatment table. So I blame them for making me so excited that I couldn't sit still for the Techs!!! The other small bit of good news, which I really liked, was that the radiation killed whisker growth on my face and and on my neck. So now I basically have sideburns, a mustache and some random gray hairs on my face. Nothing that we can really still call a beard. But the REAL good news is that I have ZERO whiskers growing on my neck and I've hated shaving my neck forever. But it surely wouldn't be very fun right now---above photo as proof.

But the BIG good news, the REAL BIG good news is that I'm almost done. I'm almost at the goal line. More good news is, I'm ready to dive into getting better each and every day once radiation ends. More good news is, that I'm ready to fight the fight to get my life back as I knew it, back for me to enjoy the way I knew it. But not just for me to enjoy, but for Grace, Matt, Arianna and Josh to enjoy the return to "old times" around here.

While this covers that past few weeks up until October 6th, there was a much more important and a much more personal item that covered that same October 6th date. Part 2 of this blog will cover that. Until then..............

God Bless You and Best Regards!

David D

YOU KNOW YOU'RE in CANCER RECOVERY WHEN........

Welcome back to the journey................

I finished WEEK 4 of radiation on Friday and while the week was mostly good (to be covered in upcoming Week #3 and #4 blog) a few days this week I had some some tearing at my emotional seams---both bad and good. But that is all part of this journey and to be expected again down the road.

But I'm always up for some humor, and I think it is good medicine right now. So for something a little different and humorous (hopefully) for you to enjoy. Just like the title says......

YOU KNOW YOU'RE in CANCER RECOVERY WHEN........

......You run out of the house without a belt and your pants fall down walking thru Wal*Mart. And frankly you don't give a shit either! Hopefully I won't end up in one of those "People of Wal*Mart" photo collaborations people are sending out over the internet. If was a brief drop if you need to know......

......You are ECSTACTIC, I mean ECSTATIC about being able to eat a Filet of Fish sandwich from McDonalds. Please be advised of this.....This is the FIRST and most likely the LAST time you will ever see the words ECSTATIC and McDonalds Filet of FIsh in the same sentence. But for me, they're like gold right now......

......When my wife describes my day coming home from new twin nephew's birthday party....."You ate good". Now if I was diapers chugging down some formula or about 90 and couldn't chew, that comment would apply. While what Grace says was perfectly true it was sooooooooo opposite of the standard line I would always get when we would leave parties and in the car during the pre-cancer days......."Could you have left anyone else some food"? "How many times did you refill your plate"? "Why do you have to eat more than everybody else when we go to these parties".? HONEY wherever and whenever you read this.........I LOVE YOU (But you know I'm right!)......

......Everyone gives me the "You look good" line. Did they really expect to see FRANKENSTEIN DAD??? Where was the same "you look really good" line during the ages of 16-24 when I was out trying to chase chicks? Don't remember much of that? The other thing it strangely reminds me of is when I was back growing up back in beautiful Clairton, PA. My late mother, God Bless Her Soul.....she would go to the Funeral Home to see a buddy from bingo, or someone in the neighborhood, etc......and this always struck me. I'd asked her when she came home, who was there, how was the family doing etc.......and she'd always say, in that so distinctive Pittsburgh twang of hers....."Ooohhhhh, she look SO good". Huh? What? For a 8 or 10 or 12yr old , etc....like me I'm like mom "she's dead", she can't look that good". I think she would prefer to look like absolute shit sitting on the her porch right now as opposed to looking good in a pine box! So when I get hit with that line about looking good, sometimes I think of this and laugh. But I also smile, because it makes me think of my mom......

......You drink an O'Douls and if I close my eyes, I would have thought I was drinking Golden Nectar from The Holy Grail. At least the distortions of my taste buds that I'm starting to get haven't impacted the beer taste, or in this case the "bogus beer taste. Now that would be a disaster......

......You have 4 bottles or REAL beer that have been sitting in your frig for over 3 months. Ladies and Gentlemen, in this house that breaks the prior record by 2 months 3 weeks and 6 days......

AND LASTLY

......You take soooooo many pills that you've got to make out a chart to remember if/when you take all of them. I've not resorted to the Senior Citizen little plastic pill box with the all the days listed. Can't go there. But when you take 17 pills a day.....oh yeah, plus 2 fluoride trays you do have trouble keeping track of it all......

I know the next 2 and final weeks of radiation are gonna be the dark days. Actually some of that has already started to rear its ugly head late last week. But I can see the goal line and I can hear the bell ringing. BTW........More on the bell to come.

I can't wait for October 11th. CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

Best Regards and God Bless!

David D

WEEKS 1 and 2 ARE IN THE BOOKS and in between......ONE BIG ASS THUD!!!

Welcome Back to the Journey..............

EDITORS NOTE: After today September 20th, I will be EXACTLY halfway home---15 treatments down/15 treatments to go. I say after today as I am actually typing this Editor's Note in the patient waiting room, waiting to be called for my treatment. A little behind schedule tonight. So even though 3 weeks are in the books, I'm a slacker and only provide a post for now on Weeks 1 and 2......oh yeah.....and the BIG ASS THUD as well. ENJOY!!!

The picture I have posted to accompany this latest blog post is what I affectionately called (and titled) "The Worm". The worm was borne out of Surgery #2, the neck dissection and I called it that because it looked like a big ole long worm just laying there on my neck. It's attached to help correctly represent where the BIG ASS THUD came from on Friday September 3rd and continued into Saturday September 4th. Surely you know with me.....nothing ever goes to plan......nothing ever gets done easy.......shit happens and I always seem to have a story. Or as I better put it to my niece last week......"Week One of Radiation was going along way too easy. I needed something to happen so that I could have a fun blogspot to write." So here goes...............

WEEK 1.....The Start

Yes Week 1 of Radiation was relatively boring. But I must start out with this.......When I got off the elevator....remember now that my appointment is 6:20 at night.....I got off the elevator and the waiting room was PACKED. It was right then in some ways that it hit me.....I'm being treated for CANCER. Frankly, it depressed me for a second or 2, to think that THIS MANY PEOPLE were here at 6:00 PM getting treated for some kind of cancer. It was at that moment when the "Why not me"? really set in. A moment when I thought to myself....I understand and accept why I'm here, but why do all of these other people have to go thru the same thing? In some ways, this was one of those...."you gotta walk in these shoes" type of thing. But that initial walk off the elevator was a cold and stark slap in the face telling me this IS the real deal. But then we get started...........

The first day I had a very good level of anxiety as I just wanted to know the routine, how the sequencing of treatment worked. The good news is I soon learned was that the ACTUAL time of "on the table" GETTING treatment is only about 10-12 minutes to stay there bolted down with the ole Fencer Mask. BUT......each day starts with a large disc hovering right over my head with a bright light shining. After it moves then an x-ray machine with 4 "stations" like a weather vane moves overhead, under head, left side and right side. These 4 "stations" are actually x-ray machines and they take a photo of your exact positioning on the bed and in your mask. This is done each day to make certain that all the coordinates of treatment are hitting all the right spots. When that alignment is OK....and many times on the 1st try it is not, ONLY then can treatment begin. So this "prep" takes about 5 minutes, so when combined with the actual treatment....if all goes well, usually in and out of the treatment room in <20 minutes, which is how much time they have between treatment sessions.

My treatment time for the 6 weeks (with a few exceptions) is 6:20PM and while I was not happy when I was first notified of that, the time has actually worked out well for me, for Grace's work and for us to coordinate all activity with the kids. I also found out that my day to see Dr Lin, the Radiation Oncologist is every Wednesday. The only thing to come out of Week 1's visit with him was that my Blood Pressure was a little more elevated than ideal.........and MUCH more on this later. The other tidbit with the doctor each week is gonna be the scale. I'm starting out at 209lbs for the radiation process. While this is an UGLY number, it is down from the 228lbs that I weighed when this whole journey got started.

So we ALMOST get to the end of Week 1 and of course I need to make it interesting, so here comes.........

THE BIG ASS THUD

I think I feel my blood pressure rising just typing this part.........

It first started at Physical Therapy that morning. Back to the culprit pictured above, "The Worm" it was during this week that the PT started to work my neck to try and loosen some of the scar tissue left as "The Worm" disappears. So in one part of this therapy, my neck was hanging from the table to help this process. Well when I lifted my head up to sit up, I got a little bit of head rush. No big deal, had them many times before. Lasted a few seconds and done. Flash forward all the way to Friday night at 6:20 and my treatment session.......I go to lay on the table and....head rush again. Ahhhhh, not good! This one was a little more intense and a little more spinning. The staff sat me up and I relaxed for a few minutes and laid back down and no problem. So I proceeded with treatment and no problem. And then the THUD begins......

When I bent down at my locker to change out of my gown and into my shirt, the entire room started to spin. Ahhhhh, not good! So I proceeded to change in a spinning room so I could get out to the waiting room to take a break and try and drink some water. Probably should mention at this point, that I drove myself to treatment. Ahhhhh, not good! So then I walk from the locker room to the waiting room feeling like I was doing the same walk I did after a Schlitz Malt Liquor ("THE BULL") 3-4 kegger in college. OK, I was familiar with that walk, but not in this setting. Ahhhh, not good!

So now I'm sitting in the waiting room and every part of it is spinning. Ahhhhhh, not good! Now I did that same collegiate Schlitz Malt Liquor kegger walk thru the waiting room and back into the nurses station, which actually makes my stomach queasy. I get to the nurses station and lovely Theresa proceeds to tell me that I'm looking a little bit like Edgar Winter in the face color department. No sooner she gets me into a chair, I start vomiting and vomiting and vomiting. Ahhhh, starting to get bad!. So it is at this point that I begin to worry. I've never vomited when getting dizzy, having the head spins or even once with a concussion playing hockey in college. So now I'm spinning, I'm puking, I'm white as a Winter brother, I'm VERY worried and then I start to break into a cold sweat. Ahhhhhh, getting a little more than bad! The nurse proceeds to take my BP and it is 179/128. In case you missed that, that is 179/128!!!!!!! That's no typo!!! Ahhhhhh, now VERY bad!

So it is at this point that my Radiation Oncologist Dr. Lin gets on scene. Now let me tell you. Oncologists are probably the most even-keeled, non-emotional people on the planet due to this incredibly life and death type of job they have. When I looked at him and he looked scared, I thought I was gonna wet myself. I'm saying, if he's nervous???.......Ahhhhh, VERY, VERY bad!

So now I'm on a stretcher and getting rushed thru 2 skyways and thru 2 buildings to get to the ER. I'm feeling like my heart is gonna beat right out of my chest, I'm in a cold sweat, trying not to vomit and all the while everything is still spinning around me. Then I hear the words.....STROKE and BLEEDING FROM THE BRAIN come out of Dr. Lin's mouth. Not knowing any of the other words in that sentence or sentences has now made this, Ahhhhhh, so INCREDIBLY bad! This is the point where I see myself reaching for my wallet and pulling out money while someone hands me an invoice for a farm. Because right around now when I heard those words, I thought I was buying the farm. Cash on the spot!!!

But before we can finally make it to the ER, we have one of those---can only happen to Dave kind of moments. How many people working @UPenn that you could come across in transit and what are the chances of seeing someone you know. Have you guessed it yet??? I look up from the stretcher and catch a doctor looking down at me......yes, my surgeon Dr. Weinstein. In a fleeting moment all I get is a OMG-WTF look like......"I just saw the guy and he was doing great and what friggin happened"??? I'm telling you, only me....only me.

When we hit the ER they immediately do a scan of the back of my head and find out ASAP that I was not bleeding from the brain. They get me juiced up with some meds to lower the blood pressure and something to calm me down. They do initial tests on me to see if my coordination is off in any way or my speech or vision is impaired. Pass all these tests. Right around this time Grace arrives with my brother and sister-in-law (Joe and Tracey) as she had to drive from NJ not knowing ANYTHING that was going on. Fun, huh? So while Joe and Tracey enjoy the splendor and the wonderful company in the ER waiting room Grace is back with me in the holding cell trying to get comfortable or nap on 2 of the most uncomfortable chairs in the world.

Finally around midnight (I think) a staff neurologist comes in. Tells me my scan was fine, gives me additional tests and proceeds to tell me his diagnosis at this point is a good case of vertigo. Vertigo probably caused by the stretching of the neck at Physical Therapy. So if I can drink some Ginger Ale and eat some saltines without vomiting I can go home. Unlike the Speech and Swallow tests which I aced with flying colors, I failed this one MISERABLY....yes I yakked up the Saltines. Damn was I pissed!!! Can't go home now, Grace wants to shoot me and it is off to the observation area which we get don't into until about 3:30AM.

Fast forwarding to the end of this episode is that I got discharged around 7:00iPM Saturday night. The diagnosis as originally thought was the ending diagnosis....."Positional Vertigo". But it took all day Saturday as the vomiting, stretching of the neck during Physical Therapy and current impaired condition of my neck.....enough concern that they wanted to be completely thorough (as everyone @UPenn has been since this journey started!) and do additional tests. The resident neurologist who diagnosed me was concerned with possible damage to blood vessels at the back base of my neck and wanted to do a MRI. I told them under only the condition of being "knocked out" would I ever, ever, ever be able to get in a MRI tube. That would be way too claustrophobic for me......then I told them again and again and again. Finally Dr Liu the head neurologist came in and came up with something I could finally laugh at during this ordeal. He insisted I had to do the MRI and do it right now on UPenn grounds. No waiting for an open MRI. His instructions to the staff....."Snow Him". That's right, "Snow Him". Grace and I laughed at that line again and again!

"Snowing me" was pumping me with enough anti-anxiety medicine that would leave me just this side of being conscious. But I know myself and tried to tell them over and over. Put me in the MRI machine and I lasted literally 10 seconds, even with all that "snow" in me. So back to my observation bed and good news for me.....I was so exhausted from the high level of meds as I was out for about 5 hours. BAD news for Grace as she just had to sit there watching bad Saturday afternoon TV and listen to me snore. The fun never stops, huh?

So finally during this time they got smart and prepared me for a CT Scan of my head where they injected me with dye and looked at all the vessels this way. Grace said then and my right arm said later, thank goodness I had all that "snow" in me and was sleeping. It took the nurse about 6 pokes to get the IV going. My right arm is still discolored and it's been over 2 weeks. So obviously the results of the scan were good, just vertigo and off to NJ we went. But I was completely drained for the duration of the weekend and come Tuesday, was not really ready to come back for.........

WEEK 2

Actually after that weekend, pretty boring. By end of week I started to feel just the slightest bit of a sore throat. The only issue I had by week's end was probably due to my tenseness, they couldn't get me exactly straight on the table Thursday and Friday, so it took 3 tries to get my treatment going. Got a little "antsy" about this as it then turns into a longer time with the mask on and lying on the table. Love it when they get it right the first time, but as the staff said, it has got to be PERFECT positioning so they are zapping me in the right places.

Also during this week I went back to the Oncology Dentist to pick up my fluoride trays. Fluoride trays??? They are upper and bottom pieces that look exactly like a sports mouthpiece that were molded to my exact specifications. Each night for 5 minutes with each tray I put a fluoride gel in them and put them on. Radiation saps your teeth of fluoride and these help to regenerate the fluoride. One line of the instructions included these exact words and font.....DO EVERY NIGHT FOREVER. Guess that kinda says it all........Goodbye to Week 2 without any "thuds" to end the week.

Lastly.......many of you have commented to me via blog comments, (I encourage you do it this way) e-mails and phone calls about your positive thoughts on this blog. I couldn't do this blog or go through each and everyday without all of the friendship and positive reinforcement I have got from all of you. I can never say---THANK YOU---enough!!!

I keep on keeping on.......

Best Regards and God Bless!

David D

THE GROUNDHOG and THE FENCER (Part 2)

The FENCER.......

Ahhhhh the tale of the Fencer to tell as we left off from the Groundhog.......and The Fencer DOES have a tale to tell........

EDITOR'S NOTE: As a short digression......a review of the calendar you will see that my radiation sessions have begun. After an entire weekend of angst and anxiety over day one, I got through it, but more on those details in my next blog when I recap Week #1 of Radiation.

For now, everyone wants me to tell the tale of THE FENCER......which begins at my initial radiation set up appointment on August 13th at UPenn and continued for a second and final set up on Friday August 27th. WOW.....what 2 days of fun these were......NOT!

Through this journey you soon learn things that you would not normally know about cancer and it's treatments. One of those learnings was "tattoos". You see it seems when you get radiation your body is marked with either some special type of medical Sharpie or a regular Terrell Owens type of Sharpie. These "tattoos" are target points for the actual radiation and provides the technicians a "road map" of where your treatment takes place. But unfortunately when radiating on your neck or throat or face---places visible to others when wearing normal clothes---the tattoos have to be provided in a different form. Enter reason #1 for what the radiation team affectionately calls.........

"THE MASK"

The second reason for needing "THE MASK" for Head and Neck cancer patients is that during radiation the treatment area must remain 100% and I mean 100% still. To accomplish this the mask is BOLTED to the table.....oh yeah, bolted to the table. Now I'm going to be INSIDE this mask of some kind or other and it is going to be BOLTED down during the radiation treatment. It's gonna form-fit to my face and I'm gonna be lying there in the radiation treatment form of a straight jacket. If the "bolted to the table" part isn't fun enough, when I went in for set up, I was thinking this mask can take many forms..................what will this thing look like. I had some ideas.........

Now I got a pretty good feeling that this thing won't be as fun to wear for 30 sessions as "THE MASK" like Jim Caray got to wear. No, Jim Caray doesn't even have a sense of humor this sick and even though my sense of humor is good, even I couldn't wear some of those clothes.....especially that hat!!! So then I'm thinking.......Clarice, Clarice, where are you Clarice.......It's gonna be like the "Silence of the Lambs" mask.....albeit without the wire as I was surely not planning on biting anyone....at least not in the beginning. So it's Hannibal Lecter I'll be---should I say, look like for 6 weeks. I've gotta get my accent down, I've gotta recall all the lines from the movie, I've gotta say to every nurse I see....."Helllllllooooooo Clarice". No there ain't gonna be any Hannibal Lecter sightings at UPenn........ a big Strike 2 on the "Silence of The Lambs"!

So I strike out with Hannibal and all the movie lines I could have incessantly said over and over for 6 weeks to the technicians. (I'm sure they're all happy about this) Now I need to get a better idea as I'm almost heading back to get fit up real soon....."What is this mask really like?" So the nurse tells me unlike Jim Caray and Hannibal it is a mask that has to cover all the way over the top of your head and also cover both of your ears. OK.......we're in Philadelphia, so now...

I GOT IT......I GOT IT!!! It's the Bernie Parent hockey goalie mask circa 1974+ when the Flyers won their 2 Stanley Cups. I'm gonna look like Bernie for 6 weeks. Bernie, Bernie, Bernie......Finally this is what "THE MASK" is gonna look like.......plus my good friends the Carr Brothers are gonna be elated!!!

So I head back to the room where they are gonna make my mask. Vicky and Angie are gonna take good care of me. I tell them the straight scoop---nothing shocking to many of you---that I am a very impatient person and if I'm impatient and in a place where I can't move......well that is gonna turn the anxiety level WAY UP. We all agree for this set up session which could last for 45mins, that I take a little something to take the edge off. They tell me many people do as they get claustrophobic with the mask. While not moving is not gonna be good for me, I've worn a goalie mask playing hockey for years.....that mask should be no problem.

So Vicky says, "you wanna see the mask?" Sure I say. They then proceed to show me what I tell everyone looked EXACTLY like the end of a pool skimmer. Blue plastic outside rim around a square piece of mesh. Like the dope that I am, I ask....."Where are the eye holes? Where is the mouth hole?".........and the fine nurses of UPenn replied that there were neither.......and then they proceed to tell me that I am going to lay flat on this bed and take as the handout says..."a mesh-like sheet of plastic will be warmed up in a water bath which will allow it to be shaped over your head, neck and shoulders. As it cools, it will harden to hold your head, neck and shoulders in the same position each time the mask is put on you for treatment." Surely let us also not forgot that besides the mask being bolted to the table, my shoulders are bolted into place as well. Ohhhhhhhh......for someone as impatience and can't sit still for 5mins, this is......is......well.....is NOT gonna be a very fun 30 sessions of this. But hey.....even though you can't get up and dance, they'll play music for you!!

So thus Part II of this blog has come full circle......."The FENCER" has been born. I'm figuring since I'm still unemployed, when the radiation is done I can take my mask (they let you keep it) and go to Medieval Times and interview for a job. Hey....I'll come equipped with my own fencing mask!

The journey continues........boy, does it ever........

Best Regards and God Bless all of you!

David D

THE GROUNDHOG and THE FENCER (Part 1)

The GROUNDHOG... It is yet another day before I go to the doctor and it is yet again that I'm doing a new journal entry.....this time a direct entry to my revised blog sight. Ooohhhhh, Ahhhhhhh.....!!! Before you think I'm social media savvy, please know that I am still the only person under retirement age without a Facebook page. My Mother-in-Law has a Facebook page, but yet I still do not. Now if my dad ever got a Facebook page (for those of you that don't know my dad, this is very funny I promise you!) Sorry I digress........ As usual, at least for me, so much has happened since I last visited with all of you. First about tomorrow, I don't just have 1 doctor's appointment or even 2 for that matter.....I've got 3 doctors (kind of) appointments, none with any of the cancer docs. I'm already putting Obamacare to good use. Tomorrow's schedule: 8:00am Rheumatologist @ UPenn 2:00pm Physical Therapy (Lovely Lakewood, NJ) 3:00pm Cardiologist (Making sure I can survive all this!) The Rheumatologist is an appointment that has been scheduled since in the hospital during my 2nd surgery. You'll recall---and surely I cannot forget---when I had the MAJOR gout blowup. The Cardiologist is just my regular quarterly appointment to monitor my high BP, but Ive got much more to discuss tomorrow than just high BP. The Physical Therapy sessions I started last week. My surgeon warned me prior to the surgeries that it would be very likely that I would develop shoulder weakness after the neck dissection. The trauma to the nerves in the neck area and shoulder have rendered my right shoulder pretty useless. When you feel discomfort picking up your coffee mug, tossing poker chips or even typing like now, it is time for some therapy. My baseline testing last week confirmed that for sure as my right shoulder is far behind my left and has actually started to get atrophied in certain parts. So starting tomorrow it is 3 appointments/week until I can get back to 100%. This is gonna coincide with my other routine to keep me very, very busy. Oh yeah, speaking of that, back to THE GROUNDHOG part......... Being from Western Pennsylvania the Groundhog was always a big deal on February 2nd every year. But for me, my day this year came not on February 2nd, but August 2nd. It was that day that I wrote last in my journal and also the day of my consultation with the Radiation Oncologist. Well he saw my shadow that day but instead of 6 more weeks of winter, I get to go through 6 weeks of radiation. My start date is next Monday August 30th---each week Monday-Friday---for 6 weeks and before you may ask the question, I am going to do the radiation at UPenn and go back and forth each day. Like my surgeon Dr. Weinstein, I got a very good initial feeling and a felt a good sense of trust with my Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Lin. Just like my surgeon, I wanted a good chemistry to happen and it did, especially since we are gonna spend 6 weeks together. Plus he went Michigan so my niece Nicole should be pleased. With that said, I'm sure hoping Dr. Lin doesn't perform as poorly as Rich Rodriguez has at Michigan or I'm in BIG trouble! Well Dr. Lin quickly dashed any glimmer of hope I had of avoiding radiation. VERY quickly. Very simply...the tumor on my neck has just gotten too large (reminder....scanned at 2.5cm but actually 4.2cm at removal) and for a tumor that large, radiation is pretty much a mandatory part of treatment. The doctor feels that microscopic particles could be present and undetected for now, having escaped the enlarged, encapsulated tumor and this would cause problems down the road. Now.....if the tumor was 2.5cm as originally thought, I could be sitting here today not preparing for this 6 weeks of absolute fun I am about to embark upon. But again, it was too large---which frankly is not easy to type---and thus to radiation I must go. So they will be fully treating the right side of my neck and also to a lesser degree doing the left side of my neck as well. Why the left side? This is where undetected particles could drift to and the doctor wants to cover all bases. The good news? My doctor is so satisfied with the results, margins and testing in and around the area of the tonsil tumor that he feels full confident that this area is CLEAN and needs no radiation. This to me is GREAT news as not only am I batting .500 in ridding myself of the tumors of cancer poison, it also allows me to avoid radiation in an area that would cause some more SERIOUS side effects. Oh yeah, the side effects. To that degree I should be OK---meaning mostly normal lifestyle for the first 2 weeks of radiation. The heavier effects will be present in Weeks 3 thru 6. What side effects am I in for??? The WORST of all will be dry mouth as a result of blasting my salivary glands. This will be with me for probably at least a year with the very real possibility that I could deal with this for my entire lifetime. So while I'll not only have to carry a bottle of Poland Spring around with me everywhere, the lack of natural saliva will also render some foods very difficult to eat without drinking water along with it. Items that require a good deal of chewing---steak e.g.---will be an adventure. What other temporary fun is ahead of me???......Mouth and throat sores, lack of appetite, swallowing....difficulty at best, not being able to at worst, the feelings of "sunburn" inside my mouth, dryness/leathery type of skin on my neck, overall fatigue......need I go on??? Probably throw in some days of complacency and lack of motivation for good measure as well. BUT....BUT....it's only 6 weeks---30 sessions out of what I'm hopeful to be a long life ahead. An easy trade-off for me. Like I wrote in an earlier entry, I knew all of this going in and the Good Lord and I already had these discussions on what I'd trade or give up or deal with to have him give me the physical, mental and emotional power to heal. Now I'm gonna live up to my end of the bargain. Take the treatment, deal with it and not complain. As I'm very well known for saying....."it is what it is".....and I just gotta suck it up and deal with it. Case closed. So I put daily Radiation along with 3 days/week of Physical Therapy and I'm back to my full-time job again, that of being a cancer patient. And as it was while I was in the hospital, I'm gonna listen and do as I'm told to be the best patient I can be. Until Part 2 when I elaborate more about "THE FENCER", The Groundhog for now goes back into hiding...... Best Regards and God Bless, David D