And Happy Valentine's Day (belated) to all of you, epecially the Ladies in our audience........
As Ground Hog Day just passed us, it makes me reflect that so many of the days of my life over these past 8+ months have felt like Ground Hog Day. They have the same feel, the same texture, the same hope, the same anticipation, the same fear.......and more than any other emotion.....they have the same anxiety. Thus like it seems so many other blogs before this, today is one with the same feel of anxiety "as I wait in joyful hope for the coming of".......no, not our savior Jesus Christ as the prayer would finish, but would in hope of a good day and good news tomorrow. Now that previously mentioned man named Jesus assuredly will be called out to tonight by way of prayers from yours truly. When....what.....where......why......how did we get here. Ahhhhhhhh that is what I have a blog for my friends.
When we last met on my blog, I was going for my first post-recovery scan. While I replied a couple days later via e-mail and not by way of a full-blown blog, the test was not a 100% ace job, but I scored a self-described 98%. Only a couple of nodes on the left side of my neck---the opposite side of the original tumor---were described by my Radiation Oncologist as "borderline" and nothing that we could not wait to review again at my next scan in mid-April. OK......so I'm good. But I've got that minor follow up visit with my surgeon to do 2 weeks after this.....mere formality (SURE!!!) if you will since he has not seen me since mid-July. NO problem. No problem unless you know my surgeon.
So then comes January 26th, the day of my follow up appointment. A bigger problem than the 2-3 inches of snow that greet me for the drive to my 8:00am appointment is that I didn't taken the BIGGEST part of my own personal advice that day. I've told anyone/everyone that the one thing that I learned during this journey was to take someone to ride "side-saddle" with you when you go on one of those BIG appoinments with the doctors. Be it a spouse, a significant other, a parent, a child, a neighbor, a pet.......let someone be there so that they can hear what the doctor ACTUALLY SAYS vs what you may WANT TO HEAR FROM THE DOCTOR. On this doctor visit, unbeknownst to me, I broke that rule before I knew it. So I walk in 5 minutes late after the snow for my appointment and within probably 5 minutes of that is when Dr Weinstein arrives and starts talking. It is now I begin to hear the word BIOPSY not once, but TWICE. Borrowing my favorite phrase from my High School if you will........"Say What"?
The phrase PROACTIVE vs REACTIVE is one to so aptly describe my surgeon. Why wait to find out/know tomorrow what we can today? So while that is what I love about my surgeon, I was ready for a 30 minute---exchange pleasantries---how's the wife and kids?---how do you feel?---kind of appointment. That wasn't happening on this day. No this day was.........
1) "I don't like that you're still having problems with your throat 4+ months after radiation".....BIOPSY #1 on February 1st.
2) "If I've gotta do surgery I don't wanna know about a problem with your nodes 90 days from now. I wanna know about them NOW......AND so should you".......THAT WOULD BE BIOPSY #2 on February 10th.
3) "And since your procedure next week (a Laryngoscopy the same procedure done by my EENT last June that orignally diagnosed the Tonsil Tumor).....is minor surgery via going under, you'll need to hang around today and do all the pre-admissions testing"....
So now the routine 30 minute/nice to see you again appointment has turned into a full day at UPenn. Mind you, one that only gets even a LITTLE bit more fun. Seems that when I went to do an EKG with the Cardiologist besides giving blood, taking a chest X-Ray PLUS another EKG at the hospital.....it seems the EKG at the Cardiologist has a "slight abnormaliity" to the one I did there in June before the Robotic Surgery on my tonsil. What does that mean??? It means taking the elevator one floor up and getting to take a stress test. Nothing like a 30 minute routine visit turning into doing a full out sprint on a severely inclined treadmill.......while in jeans!!!!!!!!! Seriously.....is there this much fun in the after-life??? Someone please tell me now.
So I've gone for my "Double-Dutch Bus of Fun" over the past 2 weeks.....The throat Biopsy on Feb 1st (I needed a good nap) and then the neck (yes please give me 3 LONG needles right into my neck thank you!) on Feb 10th. While I'll never take the first glance/naked eye exam to mean anything more than exactly that, those exams did NOT.....again did NOT seem to indicate any possible short-term reoccurence of Cancer.
But now, with all levity aside......the even thought of and the mere typing of the words...."POSSIBLE SHORT-TERM REOCCURENCE of CANCER"......are frankly enough to make me want to cry. Yes and cry I have. Yes and I've even cried and cried some more. But self-pity, self-doubt, self....oh, woe is me will get me absolutely no f'ing place! No......I've I stressed over and over, the mental capacity to fight and to continue to fight and when you're sick of fighting.....then GD keep fighting some more!!! The mental capacity to fight is what keeps you going. Without that, me and so many others are justing spinning our wheels. The mental capacity to do that, to HOPE FOR THAT it what keeps you going. It what makes the sun rise in the morning. It's what keeps you going during the day. It's what puts a smile on your face at night when you kiss Grace, Matt, Arianna and Josh goodnight. OK....I'm a softy.....I'll even throw in kisses for Jewel and Rylee. Hey.....all dogs go to heaven you know!
So for now, please know that this blog page springs for hope that the Doctor's news will be good and that the positive strides I have made TO GET MY LIFE BACK will not go without reward. I've put WAY too much effort and put in WAY too much time and have put forth WAY too much hope to get halted in my tracks now. I've got WAY too much to live for................
Thank You and God Bless!
David D
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