HAPPY NEW YEAR and Welcome Back to the Journey..............
Incredibly I took a look right before undertaking a new blog (FINALLY!!!) at 2 things. One was the clock which tells me that in some ways I am back to my old ways. Starting to write this at 2:18AM tells me that my energy has returned, but at the same time any sanity I've tried to regain is gone out the window. 2:18AM for goodness sake??? Besides the clock, the other thing I checked out was my blog. No, not to see if it was actually on line. No I know it is still there, but to see when was the last blog posting. November 22nd was the latest one and for it being almost 2 months since my last blog I apologize to all of you. I should also apologize to myself as I am only almost one paragraph into this new one and I feel good writing already.
If you know me and have followed this blog, you know if I'm writing and especially if I am up late writing that means I cannot sleep and in the past 7 months since I was diagnosed with cancer you know what that means---YES, I've got a doctor's appointment. Now if I wrote a blog every night before a doctor's appointment, you would be reading these blogs about as regularly as your favorite newspaper columnist, based on the amount of times I've seen doctors over the past 7 months. No, but tomorrow is.....well.....THE BIGGIE!!! It's the one that I tried to promise myself I would not think about for 89 days when it was scheduled to take place 90 days after my radiation ended. But you know what? I couldn't do it. Thought about it each and every one of those 89 days I've waited. The holidays were a good diversion. My birthday......A brief personal moment here......YES I turned the BIG 5-0 yesterday and in the words of the late, great Leslie Nielsen from one of my all-time favorite movies Airplane........"that's not important right now". Yes, my birthday was a good diversion. No folks the importance is today,....later this morning.....11:30AM to be exact. Today is the 2nd biggest reason I wanted 2011 to get here and no for all you smart asses out there.....turning 50 was not the 1st reason. Actually leaving 2010 in the rear view mirror was the #1 reason why I wanted 2011 to get here. So before we can talk about 11:30AM today, I need to close the book on 2010.
Closing the book on 2010 was possibly the easiest thing I've done in my life. 365 days of unemployment and 177 days of......"you have cancer". Any questions why I wanted so badly to see 2010 end? But there were 3 parts of 2010 that I came to know and love. 2 of those have already and will forever be noted in this blog. First and foremost is of course the love, dedication, comfort and understanding I received from my entire family---immediate and extended, my side and Grace's. Without them, I wouldn't have made it even a few hours, let alone days and especially those days that were the darkest of the dark. The other one I've previously documented, but must be noted again were ALL the caregivers at UPenn. From my initial life-saver, my surgeon Dr Weinstein to my 2nd life-saver my Radiation Oncologist Dr Lin to EVERYONE before, after and in between. I can talk for days---and actually have with a few people that asked---about the TREMENDOUS care I received. Yes there are many things I've gone through that surely I never wanted to go through, but there wasn't anything that I didn't know about, wasn't prepared for and that the doctors weren't ready and prepared to handle. While my June 15, 2010 date of "final and complete diagnosis" will stay with me forever, so will the other words that came out of my EENT's mouth........that was the recommendation to go to UPenn.
But just like family and UPenn, the other part of 2010 that I was so grateful for is something like the other 2 that I have complete faith will carry with me into 2011 and beyond. That thing is ALL of YOU!!! It started post-surgery on the night of June 25th when most of you found out the news about me. The number is still etched in my head. I finally picked up my phone and there were 452 messages waiting for me. Yes, while some of these were junk e-mails, or tweets from Adam Schefter, the overwhelming were messages from all of you. With some of you it was 2 and 3 and 4 messages that were waiting for me as I could not get to my phone in any type of coherent state until that night. I think I said this before, but let me repeat if I have not.......I felt like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life"......except for the basket of money of course!!! For I was the richest man in town, because I had friends. And not just friends, but GREAT and CARING friends. And you my friends have:
.........Stuck With Me as I was getting my neck cut from ear to throat.
.........Stuck With Me when I got gout so bad in 3 places simultaneously that I couldn't even stand up to go to the bathroom---at least until I was told that they were gonna stick a needle in a place that I think a needle never should go.
.........Stuck With Me when I was getting tube #2 yanked from my chest so hard it made me ball like a baby.
.........Stuck With Me when one week into radiation my BP hit 179/120 and the words stroke were being thrown around until I was never so happy to have vertigo---which BTW, stays with me still to this day.
.........Stuck With Me when radiation burned my neck so bad that I couldn't turn my head and I had to sit and watch puss ooze from it at the time when other people couldn't stand to look at me.
.........Stuck With Me as I developed Lymphodema and a Thrush infection back in mid-October and it is now mid-January and both are still with me in a strong way with no signs that they are gonna go bye, bye anytime soon.
These events and mostly the daily grind---and I will tell any person who may get cancer or a loved one who gets cancer is that is what it is......A DAILY GRIND. And if any of you have gone through or dealt with anything that feels like a DAILY GRIND, you know exactly what I mean. You look at your watch and the day is still only 24 hours even though it feels like it was 44. You look at the calendar and each week still has 7 days even though you feel like it might have been 7 weeks. A.....DAILY.....F'ing.....GRIND.
There's family and the folks at UPenn to help you get through it, but it was---and continues to be---ALL OF YOU that get me through this shit. Early on I had someone ask me about my blog and how I could just "put myself out there for everyone to see". I never had any grand visions that I could get through this without the help of many good people. Many of you have tossed the words, strong and brave and hero at me. It makes me smile and OK, it makes me feel good. But while it is flattering, it is far from reality. Strength and bravery and heroes are made from those people who DO FOR OTHERS. Soldiers in Iraq or Afghanistan are heroes. Daniel Hernandez the intern who jumped into action to save Congresswoman Giffords life is a hero. I am just a man. A very common man at that, that for 7 months has not done anything in any different way than any of you would do if someone were to tell you........."See, you've got this and we need to do that if you wanna live". Seems like an easy decision to me, right? For me to decide that I wanted to live didn't take any research or some gut wrenching decision. But again, even with my decisions about my care and my dedication to getting better........NONE of it is at all possible without ALL of YOU to help make it happen. All of the kind words, all the positive energy, all the prayers, all the favors (grass cutting, rides to doctor, etc....) are all the things that made my journey to this point, easier so that I could do what I needed to do and that was being the best patient I could be, so I could rid this poisonous shit from my body.
Yes, ridding the poisonous shit from my body gives me a nice segway to the sleepless night and this blog. On Tuesday I had my first follow up scan which is scheduled 90 days after the end of radiation. Like clockwork they work.....radiation over October 11th, first scan on January 11th. So while the scan was on Tuesday, the moment of truth awaits tomorrow at 11:30AM as previously mentioned. My daily thought for 89 days will be over. You see It is then that I get to see my old friend Dr LIn, my Radiation Oncologist and get delivered the results of the scan. For all the faith, positive thoughts and hope I've had leading up to this day, as it has gotten closer, anxiety has turned to nervousness which since Christmas has transformed into being downright scared. You see to me it is worse now than when I first got diagnosed. When I first got diagnosed, what did I know? Oh, gotta lump in my neck, so if it is cancer, then they'll just go in and cut it out, maybe a few weeks of radiation and I'll be turning back flips by Labor Day. You see now I know too much. I know enough that if the news is good, it is only good until the next scan which will be either 3 or 6 months away. But if the news is bad, it is bad immediately. In so many parts of my life I've been a "worse case scenario" planner. Be planned and ready in case something really bad happens, but most likely the news will be good. But with all that said, if the news is not good, I cannot tell you how hard that would be to take. Frankly I've worked my ass over the past 7 months to get better. I've hit a permanent pause button on so many aspects of my life. While I'll have to deal with any news I'm given.......I ain't gonna very much like anything but Dr Lin throwing me a bouquet of cancer-free roses. So.......today is THE day.
Until we meet again............
Best Regards and God Bless!
David D
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